It
is said the montei (student /disciple) said that all life is impermanent, this
I said to myself a student of life and furthermore it is dreamlike and
transitory. Yes said the Sensei (teacher / master) in myself.
This
reality or seeming reality I have ruminated, cogitated, contemplated and
grappled with and furthermore with quantum stuff, zero potential field and all
that jazz that it gathered, harnessed and harvested many intellectual, deeper
understandings with the harvesting of a plethora of concepts, almost beliefs
until a significant point is reached on and in the journey to emptiness, that
is the pathless path, the no way path to the full emptiness of nothingness
which is rich in the fullness of life empowerment.
And
so it came to pass after a dream in sleep, rather than a fantasy of daydream and
is there any real difference between them only perhaps in duration for the
witness awareness is aware and conscious of the content, even if the memory
does not contain or remember it, however the content can awaken at a later date
or be lived out in another dimension or incarnation as unfinished business.
And
so it came to pass that a specific well remembered dream on awakening from
sleep and the somewhat negative feel and indigestion of an unfinished narrative of
the dream ‘fell over’ into so called waking time with the uneasy unsolved
heaviness of a ‘bad dream’
The
content of the dream was my deceased family huddled together in a corner of a
scenario in a sort of old black and white caption in the shape of a shell,
their faces staring out but not smiling, not happy nor sad, just faces with no
feeling for me or me for them. Then followed my former partner Gill and she had
on a puffer long jacket and a white croatia hat and was beckoned on by two tall
men with white sunken faces, zombie like and she was being ushered into a large
mansion with a few steps to the large wooden doors and the pillars either side
of and in front of the doors. They ignored me and somehow had a Svengali influence
with her and she turned to me and was implying in her look why is this
happening? Gill as I write this has been deceased since the 90's. We parted in the early 80’s
I
loved Gill as much as I could and I was very immature in human relationships
yet good at sorting out others, Gill was very naive and had many flirtations
yet was childlike yet very wise as well. She officially married to a Captain in
the Royal Signals, Gill died a in car accident in Qatar Qatar
Gilly
dear soul always felt she would come to a ‘sticky and untimely end’ and I had
seen a black streak in her aura going from her right shoulder to her left hip
and I could never fathom what it signified.
When
Gilly passed over I was shocked and could not really grieve I did my usual
‘puja’ and made no contact. Some years later I felt she had awakened into the
light yet at times disappeared into the veil of incarnation and teetered on the
edge.
The
above was a lesson for me in several ways; although I really grieved and
mourned for my lovely Mother, I could not find that grief for my Father or
Brother, for my Father I feel my Puja’s assisted him to the light, certainly
they did for Mother, for my brother it was a constant dark, dark and a gradual
awakening assisted by my now reunited Dad and Mum. Gill before she went with
the ushers of the chamber of ‘doom’ reincarnation to make another reincarnation
to rid herself of unfinished seduction and business, with another pre life
agreement, turned to me as I asked what is this? Her reply I’ll speak to you later. I knew
instinctively if she went in the hall of the Ministry of Reincarnation she
would be born anew into another flesh body, which she did not want really and
yet did. We managed to speak briefly and she said she wanted another
relationship with somebody and not with me, but wanted me to help her stay in
the light and not be earthbound, I then shared with her the idea of
impermanence and dreamlike illusionary quality all life is in forms flesh or
energetic and she left and went inside after asking me if I had a wife or some
girlfriend, I said no as it meant nothing for me yet I still at times felt I
may have missed out on the family, child, wife thingy but was reconciling this
and dissolving deep issues from childhood and brain washing.
Later
that morning I went after some procrastination for a large breakfast of eggs
and bacon and with the constant theme of the realisation I could not mourn or
grieve for anyone or myself at their or my passing. For every person I know or
knew they were here and gone like a dream when they passed or we parted for
indeed every object, concept, bye way or highway, every star, planet or
whatever died with the passage of time and the only regret of guilt,
despondency was caused by the fact I had a vested interest in it or them.
By
their presence in form or memory the living form or the inorganic so called no
sentient form, only given life by my use of them and familiarity of them that
made my perceived world known, safe, familiar, a sense of safety, the known,
secure, has boundaries and perimeters of which I could defend and attack a
challenge or retreat into a fantasy world to comfort me and placate me,
especially from the raw brutality of killing, war, famine, torture and poverty.
When I lost anyone of these and could not replace them or kid myself with
distraction, which is a sort of denial I felt the emotion of loss, not of them
but of my ‘hole and rent’ in the net of my illusionary belief system reality
world, the so called ‘gap’ made me feel uneasy not sure of my bearings,
something was and is missing from my known familiar world be it nice or not
nice. There was this fog, this unknown piece of the jigsaw missing, lost at sea
with out land in sight, perhaps not so intense and yet at times so.
As
callous as it may seem I had noticed the
more ‘real’ the impermanence of life was becoming I had not invested my need
for approval by objects, possessions, love and approval from others and indeed
from myself as a belief or right or by positive feelings and affirmations, good
meditations and uplifts form inspiring episodes in emails, internet or
someone’s praise but by just being and feeling OK with me for no particular
reason, loving me not in egoism or what I do, just being like an animal, doing
what is natural without strain and letting life go by without grasping it to me
too much so as not let life be ‘stuck’ let the river of light and Life flow on
and me to witness it and enjoy and let it go, not desiring too much of the same
old same old, so Life becomes fresh and not hoarded in some body part or
subconscious warehouse and stagnate and get rusty, stale and bored old and decrepit.
So
being in love when one is love and being in love with someone who realises that
their wife, husband, girl / boy friend, mother, father, guru, relative or
whatever can never give them love, that love which is the essence of our being
and realising this, that one’s real relationship is with oneself and that when
thought, desire, neediness is quietened down there springs to life in oneself a
feeling of peace and a knowing that even the flesh body of the most
intimate family or relationship excursion or ‘love affair’ is merely temporary,
impermanent and can only lead to loss and grief when a parting is apparent.
This is so because one’s love and approval will not be on hand, a loss of
‘self’ is experienced, the ‘hole in the wall’ is exposed and it can lead one to
mourning and grief. As cruel and cold as it may seem a persons death naturally
or unnaturally may usher sadness yet it is not the end of the world. Yes it
maybe the end of the fabricated world of ideas’ beliefs, fun and sadness that
was built up out of culture, religion, ideologies and the like of a group or
couple related however all these change with the epoch, era, fashions, idioms
of the media and culture which in 2019 is becoming ‘one world globalisation
orientated ‘ so again people no matter how dear and near are a mere a set of
beliefs and are part of the jigsaw puzzle and are impermanent as any other
thing or object, they are not people in the sense that they join me and the
human race in a brain washed rat race and on fixed tram lines, what is there to
hold onto in impermanence? Why mourn and
be in grief for virtual brain washed human flesh robots? Like the ice held in
the hand, the sand grasped in the hand life slips through ones fingers and
melts away. Why cry for more ice and sand when it will slip and melt, stop
trying to hold onto nothing that you make believe is solid and lasting?
This
is squeaky bum time there is nothing to hold onto, so stop trying to invest in
something, all something’s end in nothingness, stop trying to pin a coat hook
up in the sky.
SHACK
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