For
years I have been a victim to certain triggers and most certainly some have
dropped away when there has been a deep recognition and much more than just an
AH HA it felt and feels beyond the intellect and it feels as though it was like
a leaf leaving a tree and my mind cannot relate to that item that caused the
concern.
As
a therapist I knew about owning, this feeling as it were is my property and
what I own I can change and so not be a victim. The first stage is to recognise
the feeling and the trigger, then intellectually be on guard for a repeat,
then it often turns to blame, that
person, the full or new Moon, that politician, this relationship and so many
things can trigger or as they say press my buttons.
Then
not being able to control, be aware or use affirmations which like some
medicines merely treat the symptoms it may turn to blame. If it wasn't that
person, that Moon, that relationship and myriads of other things I would be
free and happy, I blame them all for my unease, so I become a victim through
blame and then I project my unease on them. So in a way without the perpetrator
knowing they are making me feel uneasy ‘hey Moon, hey politician I blame you
for my discomfort’ I have given them a silent power over me, actually I have
given them the power, I have invested in them some power and they are not the
perpetrator of my unease I am. I have
made myself a victim by blame and leaked power.
The
next step is ‘WOW’ I realise I have given permission to the Moon, politician,
family or whatever to dominate me, now I know this I realise its me so I blame
myself, I then become perpetrator and victim to myself and I am still not
owning my own property. Then I start to suppress, ignore situations, modify and
all other strategies, I even realise that it is all in me, somewhere in the
dark vaults of my sub or unconscious and I start to realise what do I do now
and when did I pick this up and store it there. Then start therapy, self
analysis, meditation, self discipline, mindfulness and so on and many of these are
stepping stones and rungs of the ladder.
I
was watching a TV film and it was an English adaptation of a Swedish detective
story I had watched the series with sub titles as now a ex therapist / ex forensic
and liked the sombre Swedish twist on these things and portrayed very aptly the
feelings of pathos and a kind of morbid sombreness it brought back the years of
the horror of forensics and the haunting feelings as a therapist of the
patients and my trapped mind and those of the many psychiatrists and psychologists
I met and some of the stilted stiff academics and clergy, the trauma of shock
of returning soldiers and victims of rape and busted broken relationships and
how many of the doctors, therapists, forensic folk with the early quantum folk
went weird, many did not of course and had and sort help as I did.
I
also knew that many of us in differing situations could have been as sadistic
as the mass murderer in the film above and that I could have been him in the
film, and fascinated with ‘what goes on the mind of a dictator, a rapist, a
doctor or nurse who abuses their patients, or Generals who casually say we can
lose a few hundred to win this hill, or heartless dictators and torture and I
have seen sadomasochists, black satanic stuff that would chill one to the bones
and many shudder.
Should
anyone read this do not be shocked at the following; unless one fully realises
that this shuddering at grotesque gore and torture, pain and obdurate heartless
pitiless lack of empathy or feeling, totally insane to reasoning and pleading
for mercy and the slaying and raping of innocence is the shuddering and fleeing
from the input of the horror is because it is oneself, we relate to this from
the past stored distant memory or far memory of another incarnation and the
mounting compiled library of human atrocities is everyone’s unconscious dark
mausoleum, the dark fetid rotting carcass of the past and subconscious feelings
and fascination of the horror haunt us at deep levels. We shudder because we relate to the fact we
at some time did this and we come back to expiate and remove the grooves,
thousands of miles deep and filled with this murky sticky stinking cess pool of
pure evil content.
By
owning up to this and not running and hiding as a friend sent me this quote ‘so
full of their own righteousness that they deny their abuse’. How many in
authority be it political, the boss, the foreman, the police, religious, doctors
and those bullies feel they are morally or above us and justify by their
beliefs they have the right to judge us and then when not in office in their
private lives a torrent of kinky weir-do stuff is found, they may work out their stuff in private. Of course there are
genuine ones of course, it is rare.
So
I watched this film fascinated and all of my past came to me; the therapist in
me sitting behind the authority (I may add I did assist a few and their stories
to me where my lessons---often when I had a problem it seems many patients came
with the same issue, and when we did our sessions I am not sure who was the
patient or the therapist).Then the forensic or ‘forensick’ stuff the detached mind, the dismembered
bodies, the madness of murders, rape, the messages and trophies that killers
store as some part of their mind works out mind giddy kaleidoscopes or unsteady
out working’s, this all came out and I owned this is in my mind, I feel this, I
relate to this, I did not run and hide and deny it, I cannot blame the feelings
that the above did to me yes somewhere in the past incarnations as a distant
memory in the storehouse of the Universe’s digital library, the Akashic records
and these may not be so vilified as neuroscience is beginning to realise
memories are stored in magnetic fields and produce holographic type images and
sequences on recall and outside the brain ( See the works of Dr Rupert Sheldrake and Karl Pribram ) It
is in the deep realisation that I did in the far past (I am not in denial that
I did not do any of the atrocities in this present life time) but I certainly
know I have this in me as thoughts and buried feelings. Then this film did this
for me; not shying away I could be every horror and vileness and yes every
moral and good virtue, these were all in me and had I not the help when I was
in torment and pain and by meditation and brilliant mentors I could have worked
out my horror on victims however I punished myself by denying that these
thoughts and feeling came to I am a sensitive, a clairvoyant and all these
horrors I am picking up from NOT ME but them and as long as this persists I
will be judging, being prejudice’s, being aloof, cut off from deep true passion
and emotions and on the moral high ground and remaining cut off from the
Universe.
SHACK
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