www.amandawalking.com
Reflecting on thoughts that kept cropping up over the last few days on a particular
theme. Meeting people spontaneously on
bus rides, neighbours, cafes, super market shopping and an assortment of bus
drivers, street cleaners, mothers and babies, dog owners, telephone
conversations and watching some TV I really begin to observe my own reactions
and some interesting facts.
I
write and meditate on beliefs and their illusionary and temporary nature and
yet I discover a real basic drive belief; I am the ego in the sense that I feel
it is wrong at this time to tell people when they ask about my life and where I
come from and I try to manoeuvre the conversation into my corner so to speak
mainly about my football trials which were disastrous and I do not mention my cricket
trials of which I have photos and no football ones because it was such a
failure, typical of me in those early days between say eighteen and twenty nine to bury the past because of my Buddhist stuff and the Sensei / Sifu interactions
that clinging to the past holds back the now and the future. Now that has shifted in phases; from the
burying of the past I buried a lot of anger, passion and so much more, this led
to a sort of self righteousness as I began to own my buried past and the
unfulfilled past of my sadness and life. The many failures were now seen as not
subscribing to the material wordily life and I was a recluse and of course
unwittingly adopting a superior and high minded moral stance believing this as
spirituality and the ‘way’.
Then
there was a phase of glorifying my past and as mentioned corralling the
conversations into my corner as above to ‘get my applause and love’ a love like
an actor performer drew admiration and at times hot contentions of opinion. Then
there came the realisation this is not the path to freedom, using people as bait to push my stuff on them for reward of their interest and admiration and
me always winning even if I lost the discussion with the ‘excuse, they are
wrong, they are not educated, they are brain washed and so forth’ and then to
go home and feel uneasy that indeed ‘I was the brain washed one, I didn't
listen, I had this urge to butt in when I found I was losing or they are so, so
mistaken. In particular with two retired
Jewish doctors I met in a restaurant, they were fixed on their medical stuff
and I was fixed on my alternative and science stuff. That was after two successful café visits a
few days before with different folk.
I
am so grateful that this lesson became more aware to my awareness and it taught
me just how programmed and automatically I shift to my corner and boast, this
is indeed my life and I am having or substituting a real life whatever that is
for my past programmes that cover the feelings of failure in the world (yet I
do see that wordily trappings are a bind as well as many times this has been experienced)
and that I had laid down Buddhist theories and non attachment and so forth as a programme and subtly made it a truth, a foundation and truth and had an obsession
and addiction through automatic reaction and response to which are reactions
triggered automatically as a conditioned reflex.
So in the mirror of
relationships I was beginning to see myself in action, the action of a brain
washed alternative to my early years of frustration and lack of real love. My
abuse was that of neglect of love because those around me had their problems,
the second world war and the culling of Jews and huge anti-Semitism and so on
and whilst Budo (Budō is a compound of the root bu (武:ぶ), meaning "war" or "martial"; and dō (道:どう; dào in Chinese), meaning "path" or
"way"[4] (including the
Buddhist conception of "path", or mārga in Sanskrit[5]). The term refers to
the idea of formulating propositions, subjecting them to philosophical critique
and then following a "path" to realize them.[6] Dō signifies
a "way of life". Dō in the Japanese context is an
experiential term in the sense that practice (the way of life) is the norm to
verify the validity of the discipline cultivated through a given art form.
Modern budō has no external enemy, only the internal one: my ego that must be fought.[7]
Similarly to budō, bujutsu is a compound of the
roots bu (武), and jutsu (術:じゅつ), meaning technique.[8] Thus, budō is
translated as "martial way",[9][10][11] or "the way
of war" while bujutsu is translated as "science of
war" or "martial craft." However, both budō and bujutsu are
used interchangeably in English with the term "martial arts". Budo
and bujutsu have quite a delicate difference; whereas bujutsu only gives
attention to the physical part of fighting (how to best defeat an enemy), budo
also gives attention to the mind and how one should develop oneself.
The first significant occurrences of the word Budō date back to
the Kōyō Gunkan (16th century) and were used to describe the samurai lifestyle
rather than the practice of martial techniques. The word was later re-theorized
and redefined to the definition with know today. First by Nishikubo Hiromichi
and the Dai Nippon Butokukai when the name of their vocational school for
martial arts was changed from bujutsu senmon gakkō to budō
senmon gakkō. And later by Jigoro Kano, Judo's founder when he chose to
name his art judo instead of jujutsu. [12
This
became my ‘way’ ah la Shack (Geoff Freed and for awhile before name change
Glickenfried) and I always felt Freed was the freeing eventually of Geoff leading
to Shack and then some. Then the
Forensics and then to my workshops and therapy sessions which I named ‘Healing
Attitudes’ then the blogs and Posts which I designed around the ‘1967 writings’
and the science to now, all this styled on my take of Budo in the greater sense
and license. I am so grateful although everything we all may do is brain
washed, this was a serve alone base I concocted and yet helped many on their
way and in my way of seeing things and the growing awareness served to keep me from
going ‘down the tubes’ becoming a drop out and substance user and generally a
depressed and depraved person.
Just
lately I found myself feeling guilty about the story telling and by the way
many a person would say ‘I could listen to you all day’ and many in the
workshops came for the imitations and story telling, glorious imageries and a
sort of spiritual entertainment and they said they got a lot of uplift and
insights as well as many a letter and phone call testified.
I
felt guilty because I sensed this is not the real me and I enlarged some of the
stories and I could always provide proof, however this is not real and what is
and this image of me as a top man full of confidence, a confidence based on
knowledge and experience does not conform to the quiet meditative mind which I
feel is my sincere path and so the conflict which produces guilt, the guilt I
have let myself down to my path and my brainwashing which nowadays is by my own
hand. I do feel sincerely that this false base and I suppose I am going to
justify this and say we all have these in some form or other and I sense mine
and have to be aware I do not form another base of having no base. Like having
no identity is an identity having no base is having no base unless it becomes
one.
SHACK
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