In
Eastern philosophies and especially in some Buddhist writings there is a great
deal written and spoken about detachment.
If
one forcibly endeavours to be detached then one is attached to the mind set
discipline of detachment and then one is more attached than ever. Then again what is the motive for wishing to
be detached? There can be dissatisfaction with one’s life in numerous ways,
maybe the lure of inner peace and a guaranteed after life.
Then
again one may wish to be on a so called spiritual path for many reasons and
there could be a karmic reason. Whether one believes or feels that they have
lived many lives in various incarnations which I feel is so and then one feels
that this life is the life to free oneself from the ‘hamster cage wheel’ and not
return, not really knowing if there is an after life of hell or heaven and or
oblivion, yet there is this urge far more than being unhappy with just this
life’s injustice and unhappiness. So one examines ones motives and observes
this self in action and begins to cull the extraneous thoughts and long held
beliefs and so begins to detach not through will power and forcing oneself to
be aware which are the first steps to releasing some of the outworn and
destructive and non serving behaviours.
Then
fantasies and old mind movies begin to surface, the internal mind dialogue and
chatter which in quiet moments of reflection, rumination, prayer and meditation
begin to intrude like buzzing gnats, mosquitoes, flies and wasps and swatting
them with suppression and wilfulness seems to give them delight and fuel them
up as if they are feeding on one’s forceful attempt at eradicating them. After all they have been hitherto ones life
and foundation with many unfulfilled wishes, dreams and ambitions and perhaps
this failure to fulfil these long held and often cherished ancestry, cultural
and social facets are those one may have chosen to clear the slate so to speak as
unfinished business from yester yore and that was reason one has chosen this
life in order to clean the slate.
It
can be that attachments lead to addictions and addictions maybe said to be that
which chain one to a post, a prison of behaviours which imprison happiness
although some addictions take one away by distraction and narcotics from the
unhappiness which has an underlying cause somewhere in the far distant
accumulation of unfinished karma and its present resurgence in this incarnation
or if not a incarnation enthusiast distant childhood unremembered buried trauma
and so on.
Be
that as it may when realises that these fantasies, mind thorns, deep shadow
feelings that make one shudder and even go cold as if a ninja like creepy
silent shadow makes one at times irrepressibly shudder and go cold as if a
monster is arising like a slow black shadow from the cold deep vaults of hell
and deep fissures in the cold inhospitable sea and then the hot pounding heat
as the release frees kundulini, chi, natural circulation and restores relief
when it subsides.
I
feel these monsters are being released now in the world by wars, atrocities
beyond imagination and one feels there is a world wide plague acerbated by
digital news by electronic devices and the Chinese Whisper Syndrome blown up
tenfold or more. These malignancies were
always there at many times in past wars and uprisings however they were local
and took many weeks to reach other shores, now it is instant news, instant
karma, instant food and instant triggering and copy cat as it pushes the dormant hitherto
buried similarities and pushes the release button in the trap door and comes to
some unstoppable urge to act this out in some manner and so joining the
world collective unconscious in that particular mode of expression and out
working.
For
those who can handle the uprising material by some sort of mindfulness and therapy
if needed, then they can experience with awareness usually with the deep breaths
and allow these vicissitudes to surface and without repressing or the need act
them out physically or torture oneself with guilt and feel I am a monster this
is in me and begin a path of self recrimination and beating oneself up and even
self harm and then feeling unworthy, a mortal sinner and even suicide and what
happened to me when I was abused as a younger person and now is correct for I
must be a bad and horrible person for them to have done that to me, I deserved the abuse.
When one can watch this come out with awareness and like a black smelly sticky foul clouds
that obscure the light of the clear mind or hedonistic sexual lusty arousal
that takes over with vivid imagination and fantasies or orgies, pornographic
and even sadomasochism which contain acts of sadism and masochism. Sadism being inflicting pain on another many
times through sexual means and masochism self infliction and in my forensic and
therapist days there were plenty to witness and I had through work through
these as well as every patient and forensic case brought up these feelings in
me thankfully I was meditating and worked through a lot and am still working
through them and that is why I am thankful I live alone in a relatively lovely
area with reasonable neighbours, I do not have close ties with my family and
have only telephone friends and for me the bonding in like minded groups,
social interplay is not at this time for me, I am not lonely being alone, I
prefer it as I can deal with what arises and not bury it or run for help and
share it with others, I can do just as well on the phone with a few friends on
the ‘path’ who in synchronistic mode go
through the same.
Then
a breakthrough of a sort; I often wondered why these old mind movies
pleasurable or not so kept arising, I reasoned yes it was a habit, long
standing deep rooted and seated programme that afforded a sort of back handed
resource and of course the jolly old ego which was a self or other loaded programme
through brain washing and the like and was an assumption and convincing con job
of this is my life and is real and solid without too many interruptions until I
die, after all I meditate, am a reasonable fellow and all the other mind crap I
dream up to justify my rut and groove I call living and one day the break
through will arrive and I will be free and then hallelujah and front seat in Nirvana.
Then
I began to see bit by bit that all these mind machinations were not me, first
of all I fought the arising disturbances by saying ‘this is not me’, then I
would watch them and be irritated when they persisted and felt guilty and sad
at times, then I realised that in watching them it was not awareness the
witness, yes it was the ego watching itself to make sure I did not get too
close to its frailty and fragility, although it would never admit it that it
was just a bunch of programmes. Then
with the episodes of grace which came at unspecified and spontaneous moments,
the ego began to realise that its efforts and maintenances of containing and
proliferation were exhausting and perhaps it would just let go. Uh yes let go that was the next trap, I’ll just be wild, uncaring, go to eat rubbish and not a
healthy diet, after all I am going to die and hell and heaven are all mind
stuff, who cares, fuck them all I don’t care a shit’.
So
the ego gave a clue to relative emancipation, the more I tried to let go,
justify and tried to deny the more the tightening of the screw. My body played
up with lower back pain and leg and hip stiffness of course the old stubborn
stiff neck, ‘I will not bend my knees, let go of stubborn stiff neck stuff,
never mind my floundering foundation of hip and joint, a stiff spine its all
hanging onto thoughts that are as nebulous as the clouds, they are not solid
they are droplets of water, hazy and not defined or solid, so was this mind stuff,
they have the appearances or being real and solid, no more than more thoughts,
I make them real and solid so I can have an identity and somewhere to hang my
hat and coat.
SHACK
Then
it occurred to me as these were not real, temporary illusion like objects,
things, an apparition and I really could see with intuition, I really knew these
were not me I could let them float by without having to remind myself not to
judge them, breathe let them disperse naturally, I did not have to be aware by
being intentionally aware, they just lost their grip, somewhere in my mind
their importance lost their importance, they were not me, I had known this intellectually, then it made logical sense, now I could actually enjoy them
without being irritated or they were invading my space, they could come and go
like clouds, enjoy them without emotion and it was the emotional buzz that kept
the ego alive, it feeds on arousal and action, I am alive I feel my programmes
and beliefs, they keep me alive, I don’t care if I am brain washed this will do
nicely thank you, piss off and mind your own business.
Then
I began to feel not ashamed or guilty at some of the horrors in me, and in fact
they are not me, I own that I feel them and the pleasurable ones, but I know
they were installed in me by conditioning and brain washing, I cannot be in
denial that they are not the elite, the greedy media mogul, unfortunate life
styles due to early parenting and so on and blame them, nay I know this appears
to be me, but I am none of these foisted and educated me.
So
on saying these were and are in me and not me is this denial? I try to detach
and say they are not me and shy away then I realise I am attached by saying I am
detached and in that way like yin and yang they are polar opposites and instead
of realising in a world of duality, hot-cold, night-day, female - male,
black-white and so on what if yinyang are flowing as a sine wave like night
flows into day and vice versa, yin deep emotions and caring flowing into yang
action and strength in outward life, then the not me can just float by it has
no substance it can be just a cloud, a passing thought and then like my old
Sensei said when I was faced in a championship Judo Shia(contest) against a
formidable opponent and I was terrified ‘ If you go into shia with fear then you have no
energy, if you go with I will do my best, just a little more energy and an
excuse for loosing, if you go for hiki waki (draw) then a compromise, one cannot
always lose, draw, do ones best it is only necessary to participate and ENJOY’ what the hell and so what, just at that moment like a grace arising I felt energy
and won.
So
if clouds are inevitable and the trap door is open for these buried whatever’s
to arise and I feel deeply they are not me not by denial, reason, detachment,
attachment, some clever psychological ruse which denial can adopt, these
pressures to suppress and feel guilt and shame, thinking and what’s more
believing this is me have gone, it leaves a mind unhinged from these whatever’s
still aware of their comings and goings but free of the seduction and lure
because I have given up trying to be detached and given up the attachment to
being detached and so the trap door is open and it can all vent out.
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